I`ve got good and bad news. The bad news is my yacht is still in dry dock and accumulating heavy stowage costs. The ice machine has broken somewhat tainting my Chablis and my swimming pool has got a crack in it.The good news (for you) is I`m now forced to take on submissions before my debts take on European proportions.
So, a few guidelines. I want stories about tits and bums, celebrity gossip and fuck and tell stories. Please ensure your manuscript contains no big words.(two syllables max). Above all I will not accept anything too clever. As you know the public is quite ignorant and I would like them to stay that way.
"Tarquin is that kettle boiling yet?"
If you`d like a speedy answer to your prospective work then please ensure you sign me up to a charity fundraising event. (NO Running). I don`t have to tell you muppets that this business is all about having a high profile. Anything with Royal patronage will be absolutely fine.
In the unlikely event of me rejecting your work could you please enclose return postage and packaging because Tarquin likes to come in a jiffy.
I`m sure you lot would like to be on the list of a reputable publisher like myself. Don`t be shy, show me what you`ve got and I should be able to make you a millionaire.
"Tarquin, don`t tear those stamps when you peel them off."