As you know publishing is a highly competitive business and for this reason I probably won`t bother looking at any of your work. I receive hundreds of submissions every day. As I only work two hours per month it`s highly unlikely I`ll get around to reading your crap.
In order for me to consider your work I suggest you follow some simple guidelines. Firstly please ensure your manuscript has wide margins and double line spacing. This has nothing to do with the editorial process but does mean if I dribble gravy on your work I will still be able to read some of it. Like most companies we do not accept digital copies. This is because I`m an arrogant twat who is completely computer illiterate. I have survived well enough being this way and have no intentions of changing habits of a lifetime.
Secondly, it would be extremely helpful if you had a titled name i.e. Lord or Lady, Oxbridge education or you are a third rate celebrity seeking publicity. I will also consider celebrity chefs who do not use anything more than two syllable words. Needless to say I will hold onto your work for at least three months before rejecting it. I do this for no other reason than to piss you off.
If you don`t feel your work is suited to our list then may I suggest you approach a smaller independent publisher. Whoops, sorry I made a mistake there. We`ve bought them all out and force them to publish the banal rubbish which is the bread and butter of our industry.
I trust you find this advice useful. If not, I don`t really give a toss because I earn more money than you.
Bye for now Norman.