By day I`m a mild mannered tyre fitter who smokes roll ups next to high pressure air hoses and who penned the immortal quote. "Sorry Guvnor, you`re gonna need a new set of `boots` for that baby." And. "Sorry chief, we don`t do remoulds."
At night my mission in life changes. At the slightest hint of a writer`s impending migraine I don my Teflon cloak, to shield me from bullshit, and strap on my utility belt. My armourments include a pencil rubber, pocket thesaurus and a flask of very strong coffee.
So come on writers don`t sink into a quagmire of disillusionment and denial of self worth. Your books might really be shit but it`s my job to whip your little masterpieces into shape.
Captain alliteration at your service. Not sure if you need a comma, colon or semi colon? Perhaps you need colonic irrigation. Nothing like a touch of irrigation to help your little words grow. Perhaps you`re having trouble editing your latest piece for the fifth time. Fear not, the Teflon toughie is hear to serve. Has your plot lost its way, do your characters lack individuality or maybe you`re wading knee deep in flowery descriptions destroying the momentum of your work.
Fear not, you fragile souls. The solution is here, simply massage your temples with thumb and forefinger and like the genie of the lamp I will appear. Deep out of the depths of burnt midnight oil and out of the neglected clutter you call life. The mighty flame of literary insight is here to help. Never again will you have to cry yourself to sleep or experiment with unprescribed. narcotics.
Must dash, pizza delivery and I`ve got to retrieve my cloak from the tumble dryer.
Remember, just massage your temples and as if by magic I will appear to solve your literary woes.