Oh no, not another Virus.....!
All views expressed here bear absolutely no relevance to the real world.
All views expressed here bear absolutely no relevance to the real world.
Hi knoblets, This is a little experiment I`m doing and I`m allowing you lucky bastards to come along for the ride so hold on tight!
Joking aside, you may have read some of the blogs about Norman and his wicked ways. Well all that`s over, I`m letting you into the real world and today`s topic is marketing. (Serious face). Anyone can write a book but can they sell it?
Welcome! Today I shall be walking the streets around the subject of my latest novel "The Ghost of Bell Lane." This is not for research but for sales. I shall be dropping flyers into local properties making it clear the novel is about where they live.- cunning eh? Of course this might not work but if I don`t try I`ll never know.
We pay too much attention to digital marketing and dreams of a viral hit. Remember what selling is about. It`s about plodding the streets and flogging your wares. Years ago I used to do a paper round around this area. Today I shall be distributing flyers so nothings changed. This is not a risk,it`s grass roots marketing.
Everybody likes to read about themselves or where they`ve come from. This little marketing ploy will put me face to face with my audience, fortunately I`ve got a change of underwear.
So,my little hob knobs, stay tuned and I`ll inform you of sales figures, if any!
Hip, hip hooray to someone who`s broken every rule in the book sending the literary classes crying into their Chablis. What`s allowed this trite to sully the integrity of the literary world? Bow three times to the almighty Kindle.
I`m on your side. How can you not like such a fantastically humble woman. A woman derided for saying she would be buying a Volkswagen with her new found wealth. Someone who`s genuinely lost in awe that the products of her imagination should be turned into a Hollywood film. (Take note J.K.) A women with no pretence of intellectual superiority.Hats off and hands in the air for someone who has truly bucked the system.
Love it or loathe it, Fifty Shades of Grammatical Errors is a winner. Take heed highbrows. The public know what they want so stop trying to be so fucking clever and go with the flow.
Listen up you bunch of misery merchants. Why is Monday blog day? Is it because you find the day so boring you need to give your futile lives a sense of purpose. The weekend`s over and you`re back to sullying your souls in the vain attempt at making a living. Who started all this nonsense? Was it that tragic Irishman, Bob Geldof, who confused arrogance for talent shouting out about how he didn`t like Mondays.
Monday is the best day of the week! Do you want a seat in a restaurant or instant service at the bar.Does the prospect of starting another week render you suicidal. Get a grip, get your head down and a productive Monday will set you up for a magical week. Monday night is the time real party animals take to the street. So long to the sad weekend warriors who cannot do the distance. Mondays are for heroes. It`s the day of the moon representing hidden depths of character. The little nuances which which give us our unique identities. It`s the day of summer bank holidays and drizzle drenched mornings.
Throw open those curtains, suck at the air until your lungs are fit to burst. This is what life`s about. A fresh new week to chase untenable dreams. Sharpen your knives because tomorrow is Tuesday and that really is shit.
Hi, Norman Sinden Freelunch at your service. Actually I`m not at anyone`s service due to my megalithic arrogance. However I will apologise for being incognito for awhile. This was due to several litigation suites, some nonsense about embezzlement and tax evasion. Anyhow these misfortunes have caused me to reassess my life and make some serious changes.
Tarquin and the Greek waiter never returned from Kos. I last heard they had adopted two African children and painted them white to match the furniture.
I`ve had a feng shui expert redesign the office for both efficiency and spiritual balance. My desk has been realigned on an east west axis and I`ve discovered there`s a ley line running directly under the fax machine. This could explain why the paper never tears correctly across the perforations. As well as this I now only drink green tea with a dash of honey. So yes, I really do feel like a new man. (Much like Tarquin).
There`s an oriental proverb which reads. "When the student is ready the teacher will appear." So here I am in all my glory.
Self promotion and bio`s? What really gets my goat are tin pot authors who write bio`s about themselves in the third person. Yeah right, like anyone anyone really believes you could find a third person to muster up the enthusiasm to glance at your work let alone show any genuine interest, e.g. "John Smith is a lifelong author who has used his expertise in flower arranging to write a two part trilogy about singularity."
No Mr Smith! We know you wrote this crap about yourself so stop pretending anyone even knows or cares about your work.
"Ring - ring."
I`m a professional publisher and we certainly don`t allow authors to write their own bios.
My team of experts offer top class promotion and distribution.
"Ring - ring."
Although we might be a bit slow in trumping up with the royalties.
"Ring - ring."
Bollocks - where`s that squinty eyed bastard hidden the phone?
"News just in, obese Americans are causing the U.S.A to sink approximately 2cm per annum. It`s feared this possesses a threat greater than global warning with predicted wide spread flooding. Experts have asked all Americans to hold onto their farts as the restrained methane should save the country from sinking. Hi - I`m Chuck Scarborough."
"Hi, and I`m Sibila Viagra."
"Yes - having two presenters doesn`t make the news anymore interesting but at least our mindless flirting might prop up declining viewing figures, isn`t that right Chuck?"
"Indeed Sibila, are you wearing any knickers today?
"Yes Chuck." (Slight blush.) They`re eco-friendly and bio-degradable from Wallmart."
"News just in - all Arabs look the same and shout a lot."
"That`s a sweeping statement Chuck!"
"Yeah, I`ll leave you to do the in depth stuff because you`re smarter than me. Have you seen my tablets?"
"What, the little blue ones?"
"I`ve confiscated them."
"No matter, we`ve just heard The Miami Dolphins have fucked off to Japan in search of ethically raised Tuna. Also latest medical research suggests that having your eggs over easy can increase life expectancy by as much as ten years! How about you Sibila, how do you like your eggs?
"Fertilised - Chuck why is this table rising? You know you`re only supposed to take one of those tablets per day."
"Sorry Sibila, I just couldn`t help myself. (Glazey eyes and white faced.) And finally New York cycle lanes have proved a resounding success as they`ve stopped people stepping off the kerb to get to the hot dog stands. That`s all folks, have a great evening and don`t forget to check out my latest book titled, `Playing With Your Willy Under The Table.`
"A mathematical equation whereby something is multiplied by itself to create an even bigger number."
Sweat stained caps and crushed linen jackets, turned up trousers and gum tacky sneakers. Buzzing on caffeine and wired for sound. People with destinations swanning in silence oblivious to what`s around. Baked by city heat, possessions in hand. Automated by contract to get on with their work, bound within reason from which they cannot shirk. Forward and back always in straight lines. Hunched and hobbling through tunnels and tubes. Lives existing to be constantly underused. Repeat prescriptions for another day wary of tourists who are not forced to stay. Guards in uniform hold the line watching millions of workers playing for time.
It`s time to pay homage to the greatest writer who ever walked the earth. This profound artist is capable of writing on any subject within any genre and has been translated into every language under the sun. Much like a good actor who can play any role this writer is not bound by protocol or conformity. His works are far too numerous to mention and too diverse to be categorised.
To me, the most endearing thing about this author is his complete lack of ego. (Take note wannabes). This is a writer who takes criticism squarely on the chin and swiftly moves on to his next project with barely enough time to take breath. Some say he is ponderous and pretentious while others cite him a lyrical genius who writes music without sound.
To date I believe this author has been much misunderstood and ignored. He has never received any literary awards or acclaim and never been seen at any poncey luncheons or award ceremonies. He has no letters after his name and is unbound of literary snobbery and highbrow afflictions. Despite this lack of notoriety he continually produces work worthy of total avoidance. Such a humble demeanour should be a lesson to us all.
So next time you`re in the depths of despair and self pity because no one`s interested in your work take heed from the greatest living artist, the inimitable Anony Mouse.
"No, sorry chief we don`t do lockable dust caps. I don`t think anybody`s trying to steal your air, you`ve probably got a slow puncture."
Sorry about that readers but I have to keep up the day job in order to protect my identity. It`s damn hard holding down two jobs, I could barely get out of bed this morning. The reason being I had to make a mercy dash to Wrexham in the wee small hours. Those Brecon Beacons are a nightmare to fly over.
Of all the literary woes I have to deal with lack of confidence is probably the major issue. Oh yes, you writers can master grammar, style, plot and a thousand other different issues. But alas, you upload to Kindle and go into a massive sulk when sales (if any) don`t come your way. Now don`t get me wrong, I`m on your side. I`m here to offer help and advice. I don`t want to fly over seven continents without offering at least a glimmer of hope.
So writers, you cannot make a living out of what you do, You`re deeply envious of those who appeared to have cracked it. Those with mega sales and bent backs supporting the weight of numerous literary awards. Instead of sulking you need to put what you do in perspective. In a sense you are unique but in another you are merely one of millions. Before the digital explosion the only person to see your work would have been the postman returning your manuscript for the umpteenth time.
Now ask yourself, are you looking for fame and fortune or are you a writer? If it`s the former then go and sign up for X Factor. But if you`re genuinely a writer you`ll shut the fuck up moaning and carry on writing irrespective of acclaim or what anybody else thinks.
Bollocks, Del Boy`s just arrived. It`s murder trying to change a front tyre on those Reliant Robins.
Whey hey, Captain Alliteration at your service. I`m a bit wiped out after making a mercy dash to Michigan in the early hours. I got caught in the Jetstream and had to make a detour over Alaska. But it was worth the flight to take on my nemesis the Ice Queen, Feisty Fiona of Phucked up Format.
Indeed Feisty Fiona is a formidable adversary and haunts writers with every digital page turn. This bitch performs her icy conjuring on Kindle, Kobo and indeed any form of digital download. I`m talking, of course, how despite crafting a perfect copy of your work this bitch waves her icy hand and jumbles everything up with the press of a button. What looks good on your computer ends up a garbled mess when downloaded onto an E reader. Juxtaposed margins and indentations suddenly have a mind of their own and appear all over the place. Bizarre line spacing comes out of nowhere and chapter headings suddenly appear at the bottom of the page.
I`ve seen writers fall tot heir knees, weep and attempt to gouge out their own eyes with blunt pencils when finally seeing their work in Kindle format. That heartless bitch is indiscriminate with her victims.
Fear not, there`s a silver bullet which can be used to stop this wench. Her complete destruction will never be easy but help is at hand. You need to upload directly to createspace which is another formidable monster. If you can mange to master this ogre you`ll find that when you finally download to an E reader your result should be nigh on perfect.
One day Amazon may make this an easier program to use. However if you can master it you`ll find line spacing, headings and indentations should stay firmly where you put them and not where Kindle thinks they should be. Apologies for swopping one demon for another but the quest for perfection will never be easy. So - until the next time.
Sorry Guvnor, what`s that? You need a new set of Pirelli`s!